Review of Systems
The Bag. or THE BAG OR WHAT THE HELL The review of Health Aids
In medical school, attention was paid to developing diagnostic skills. Much of this was listening to the patient’s medical history as related the chief complaint as the reason for coming in to see the doctor. In addition, a “review of the systems” was made. Detailed questions were asked different parts, organs or functions. An example would be any troubles with your eyes, ears, nose throat--and a list of follow-up questions to explore the issues. And so on, moving on to other systems, functions and organs.
With the passage of time a systems review is necessary to leave home for any extended period of time. The period of time is an individual matter. So here is my current list of my current HEALTH AIDS OR WHATEVER YOU MIGHT WANT TO CALL YOUR BAG. My BAG has many similarities to a diaper bag but another person is in charge of the DB (slurrism for diaper bag).
Body covering “called skin” dried out, moldy. The skin is a marvelous organ. It stretches to cover the body no matter the amount of obesity.
Head. Still in place, no aids. Bald, oh well.
Neck. Still attaching the head to the body, no aids. Floppy neck skin would require plastic surgery.
Eyes. Glasses, three types of drops for dry eyes.
Dr. Number One.
Ears. Hearing aids. Dr. Number Two.
Nose. Saline drops, affrin drops. Dr. Number Three
Throat. Occasional louzenges over the counter. Dr. Number Four for advice when necessary.
Tongue. Still in place and moving.
Mother noted if Dad’s tongue was still--for five minutes--call the undertaker, no Doc.
Teeth. Toothbrush, floss. Dentist is Doc Number Five
Chest. Tender nipples from hormonal suppresant treatment for prostate cancer. Doc Number Six. Health Aid: Udder Balm
Lungs clear. Breathe deodorant. No doc.
Heart. Premature ventricular contractions. Two Heart Meds. Doc Number seven and eight.
Stomach. Heart-burn. “GERD” Two Meds. Tums and over the counter Prilosec. Nexium from Doc Number Eight.
Lower GI tract. Colon cancer of sigmoid colon removed. Doc Number Nine. Followed for question of chemotherapy. Doc Number Ten. Genital-urinary system. Health aid clamp for urinary incontinence after prostate surgery. Doc Number 11. Foreskin is IN PLACE so clamp works. Circumcision is ont of the useless operations except at puberty when the Elders of the community insist on this as a rite of passage. I suspect to delay the emerging competitor for a few weeks. This clamp is called a Campton clamp and works about as well as a small hair band
Anal rectal. Aid Prune Juice, Milk of Magnesia. Anal Sphincter is (was) most educated muscle of all. Being able to differentiate solids from liquids and gas. This is no longer true. No Doc. No aids just luck. Many of these health aids can be understood by is which has become a was.
You are on your own with this. With loss of smell and hearing, I thought an advantage to the passage of time had emerged that my farts did not smell or make a sound. Wrong says the lady/wife. No Dr, but a valued consultant.
Extremities. Thin skin with broken blood vessels resulting in blotches. Knee replacement for damaged medial lamiscus. Dr Number Twelve. Aids exercise bike “not necessary for an outing.”
Feet. Sore points here and there. Corns galore. Podiatrist--Dr Number 13. Corn pads, nail file (MS) drops.
And no doctor who looks after my well-being. We are developing a specialist for left and right in-grown toe nails of the smallest toe. The anatomical and physiological differences between the little toe nails is unusual and too much for one doctor to understand. This is related to how the colon descends down the left side of the body making small--but extremely significant-- changes in the physiology of the left and right little toe nail. And you may quote me! *
Only nine of the thirteen docs are on the active list. Praise the Lord.
Saving the mental state question s for the last health aids is a natural for me since I know the most in this area and understand the least. This search is out to lunch, meaning the phone doesn't answer. The mind is a product of the brain as surely as urine is the product of the kidney .So the usual opening question is how do you feel? Since most docs have gone on down the road, you might respond by I feel like hammered shit. Chances are no will notice unless you smell like shit--which is rather easy to do with the passage of time.
Now there is a simple solution, perhaps two for the for the health aid inventory and carrying the rather large bag. ONE IS DEATH .Remember without reproduction there is no life, without life there is no death and without death there is no resurrection. So go NOW. Or HANG AROUND FOR A TOTAL BODY TRANSPLANT.
A few comments about a number one complaint I have might be helpful. The urinary drip means dampness of the groin. So a fungus infection--ok, jock itch-- returned. This infection was acquired courtesy of the US army while in the Pacific during WW2. Yes, jock itch does itch. So if you occasionally scratch your testicles and scratch another part of the anatomy which happens to be a damp place, then you have jock itch of the arm pits. Two of the above docs offered to order a few hundred dollars of lab work to be sure of the diagnosis. After all, your insurance pays for it. And who pays for the insurance?
The contents of the comfort bag, not diaper, please, includes a number of safe guards. An extra clamp for the foreskin in case of mechanical problems. Remember a viable foreskin is necessary. Do not (NOT) put the clamp on the penis. With inhibition of the prostrate cancer with hormone reduction therapy, you may not be able to find that once magnificent display of male superiority and stupidity.
A blood cuff is optional. I prefer a pressure gauge to check the air in my aging automobile. A small screw driver is a must for the screws on my glasses. I recommend a larger screw driver for whatever needs to be screwed. Now guys don’t get carried away--this is not a vibrating screw driver.
Small and large pliers are optional. The small ones are useful for opening health aid bottles. Large pliers are for whatever. Add band aids, corn pads, ultra absorbent Tena pads, a roll of paper towels and the rest DEPENDS. Once into depends, hell, make out your list as this sounds more and more like a diaper bag. DEPENDS.
